Hollan’s Story

**Trigger Warning: this content contains sensitive material, and covers the topics of depression and suicide.

If you feel triggered or are in crisis, please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing or texting 988.

My name is Hollan Chapman. I’m 24 years old, and I am currently working on my road to recovery. 

I have been living with many different mental illnesses since I was a child. At age 9, after a family trip out west, many of my family members commented on the fact that there seemed to be a marked change in my personality. I no longer acted like the happy go lucky, lovey dovey kiddo that I had always been, and I was rubbing the skin on my hands and fingers raw (due to my unknown diagnoses of Tourette’s Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). 

At age 13, I had to undergo brain surgery to correct a birth defect, and it was then that my entire life changed. I started to show signs and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (that I would later receive a diagnosis of at age 18), and everything around me and inside of me was different. I was terrified of the world, always scared of what was coming next. The memories and the way my brain was rewired due to my surgery left me paralyzed to the world around me and now, 11 years later, I am still combatting the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have been in and out of hospitals, in and out of treatment programs, and on and off medications for most of my life. It took me being sent to receive treatment at Skyland Trail to really understand that a good life can be lived, even with mental illnesses. At this residential treatment facility I received the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, and it was so relieving to finally have the answer to all of my unrealistic highs and my devastating lows. It was then that I was finally able to understand myself.

My first experience with mental illness came when I was a child. I don’t have much memory of my childhood, but I do remember the deep suicidal ideation that I experienced before I even knew what suicide was. I wanted to die before I knew what death was. I have been desperate for a way out, for some kind of escape, ever since I can remember, so badly that at age 13, I began to severely self harm. 11 years later, every single day, I deeply struggle with not relying on hurting myself to escape.

In the past year, I have had 3 suicide attempts, mainly due to the fact that I have a huge history of being very noncompliant and defiant with medication. I have had 7 hospital stays since I was 18, and this past one in February really made a difference for me. Days after being released from the hospital, after my most recent attempt, I was watching a show and one of the characters said in passing, “I have decided that I have suffered long enough”, and everything just kind of clicked with me. I have always been scared of recovery, scared of a life lived without the comfort of my darkness, a life lived without the chaos of my mania. It took this quote and a series of songs from my favorite band, Stick to your Guns, to realize that the misery that I feel everyday, the misery that I have made a home in ever since I was a child, does not have to be the only life that I know. Thankfully, I have an amazing mom that supports me and my recovery, and who has helped me recognize symptoms when I cannot see them myself. I have her to ‘fact check’ me and bring me back to reality.

Even though I am still at the very beginning of my recovery, if I could let my younger self know anything it would be:
1. There is a life, a good life, outside of this darkness.
2. It IS okay to let yourself be okay.
3. You have suffered; you have suffered long enough.
“I’ve gone to hell and back searching for answers that do not exist. I tore everything apart needing a reason for feeling like this. It’s left me with nothing but this hole in my chest, so I looked inside to see what I’d find. The true journey begins…”